Without
by jackfreak123
Summary: Revenge has a sweet taste to it, no matter what everyone else says. "Do not misinterpret. This is not the end, Marmet. You are my Siha, my love, and my life. Do not forget that." As if she ever could. - FemShep/Thane


Sooo this is my 3rd fanfic ever and its also 1st Mass Effect one. And I know it's only one little baby chapter right now, but Im planning on this being a 2 to 3 chapter long thing. Expect another chapter up in the next few days or so.

Criticism is welcome :)

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Shepard couldn't remember what he smelled like.

Sure, she could picture him everywhere. Driving herself crazy with the image of him sitting on the black couch in her cabin reading a book. Or falling into bed just before her legs could give out, rolling over and picturing him lying there beside her, just like he used to. Pretending it was the coal of his eyes she was looking into, rather than just empty space.

And her cabin feels emptier than it ever has.

But she just couldn't smell him. Couldn't hug the pillow he used before… before he… and be able to smell the leather and gun smoke and hint of vanilla that was _Thane_.

Grief does strange things to people.

Shepard frowned into the palm of her hand, swirling the drink around and around in the glass (the same one she had been sipping out of for the past hour but just could never find the bottom). It felt almost as if she was losing a piece of him, and that scared her.

It more than scared her, actually. She was terrified. And Marmet Shepard isn't a woman easily scared. Just the thought of forgetting any part about Thane made her want to run to her cabin and bury herself under a pile of his things and never come out.

She didn't run from Sidonis or Soverign. She didn't run from the Omega 4 Relay or the Collectors. She didn't hide herself away after Mordin's death and… she's not going to run now.

But oh, the temptation was going to absolutely kill her. That is, if the Reapers didn't do it first.

Running's for cowards. Running's also for people who have somewhere to run _to_ and Shepard just watched the embodiment of her home bleed out in a hospital bed, so… her luck's pretty much all fucking dried up.

As if she had any in the first place.

A few years ago, she used to believe that the Alliance was her home. But actually, it was just Kaidan and those eyes of his that Shepard could talk to for hours on end because she could tell he was actually listening.

That dream died with the Normandy, and her along with it, actually. But Thane didn't just listen. He was more than Kaidan could ever be… because he understood. Thane cared and believed in her and trusted her. Kaidan trusted her, for a time, but then Cerberus was mentioned and that dream ended too. The dream where she and him could ever be something more than two people who simply 'used to be.'

Shepard stopped wishing for miracles after Horizon.

Thane was the one to bring her back down from the cloud of self-doubt and bitterness she was floating on and reminded her that she was still human. He reminded her that she was still capable of love and being loved in return. And so she put her trust in him first, this time, rather than wait for him to fall first and then guilt her into developing some sort of feelings later.

Because he was a trained assassin who had seen shit worse than everyone in the Terminus Systems combined, and he knew what he was doing. He also was one of the few on the entire ship who could do more than nod his head while she was babbling and agree blindly simply because she was the Commander, and saying no wasn't an option. He could understand, compare, and sympathize. Not to mention, relate.

First, she let herself trust him. Love came later, tearing the sheet back from her over her eyes, pulling her up off the ground and dusting her off, pushing her forward with a little nod and shake of the hand. Then, she needed him. This was the first time for her that shame wasn't included in the list as well.

And now he's gone.

Shepard still has plenty of reasons to keep fighting. But fuck, she misses him. Giving up's the last thing she's going to do. She's Commander Shepard, for Christ sake. She doesn't give up and she doesn't run. But her brain hasn't fully registered the fact that he's gone. Shepard thinks that's why the tears haven't come but she's scared that once they, it'll never stop and Commander Fucking Shepard is not allowed to cry.

Shepard looks up from her blank stare across the bar, her dead gaze meets a pair of coal colored eyes and her heart jump-starts in her chest with a beat that nearly topples her out of the chair.

_Thane._

And she's frozen in her seat. Because it's _her_ Thane and she sees him… reclined back in his seat, staring at her as if nothing's happened, as if she hasn't been steadily losing it since he's been gone. The low lights from the bar reflect on his skin beautifully and she's mesmerized by the colors. Purple and pink hues on green scales dotted with splotches of black nearly resembling freckles, oddly enough.

Shepard wants to smile, but she doesn't.

Thane gets up from his seat casually, back straightened in that graceful way of his as he makes his way towards her and Shepard can't breathe. Honestly, she hasn't been able to at all these past few days but it's even harder now with him in her sights like some cruel phantom or sadistic mirage.

Shepard had almost forgotten the fact that there were other people there. Their presence mattered little to her, but still, she had forgotten and that shocked her into looking around quickly, getting a hand on her surroundings before turning back to Thane once more.

She had gotten very good at that, as of late- zoning out- Blocking everything else out but her thoughts, stewing around pockets of regret and misery and other suppressed feelings that always resurfaced when she was left to her own devices. And, not to mention, that foreign feeling of hopelessness that was starting to become more familiar with every hit. Taking all of that and drowning it in alcohol and hoping it goes away. But it never does.

Reality's a bitch and a liar. Revenge had a sweet taste to it, no matter what everyone else said. Fuck literature.

She thinks he's a ghost, the closer he gets, stalking across the bar slowly, with only his eyes and flashes of his green skin visible, looking like a predator closing in on its prey. He looked so real then, making his way through the crowd of people, sitting down in the previously empty chair across from her and smiling at her like he hasn't been dead for the past 3 days, 8 hours, and 2 minutes.

Shepard doesn't mind being crazy if it means seeing him again. So far it hasn't been too bad.

So she lets herself believe it. So what if it's all in her head? So what if she's hallucinating? Is she not allowed to be happy for a little while longer before the world all goes to hell?

Shepard didn't know whether to spill her guts out from the overwhelming feeling in her chest or cry. "_Maybe a little bit of both_," she decided.

"Siha," Thane said, a hint of a smile in his voice, sounding just like he did 3 days ago when she visited him in Huerta Memorial. "Im not the one you should be strong for. You have people who need you."She remembers him being like that before he… never mind. Always so mysteriously vague, suspenseful, never too abrupt. At least her brain's still there enough to be accurate. At least where Thane's concerned.

She used to admire the way he could get his point across while keeping himself in check.

It was one of the reasons she loved him.

While she was the one raging and letting everyone within earshot know that she was pissed and why, he'd just cross his arms and glare at her with those assassin eyes of his and she'd go silent. Which was not exactly an easy task… for anyone else but him, it seemed. He had control over her. It scared her a little, at first, because she's supposed to always be in charge. But he had the reigns, and she had given them up to him long ago. Right when she realized letting someone in like that wasn't particularly a bad thing, the Alliance arrested her.

So much for that.

It was becoming harder for her to breathe.

Shepard wanted to reach out for his hand, arm, shoulder, or something, at least, but her body wasn't working. Somehow, she was able to gasp out a pained, "_Thane."_ Pathetic. Her voice shook. She hated herself while tears began to leak from her eyes, each one leaving behind a wet trail that led down her cheek.

Goddamnit, she didn't want to cry.

His smile wavered slightly, head dipping forward and a little to the side, as if he were looking at a child who had done something strange, eyes bright.

Odd. He was the one that's supposed to be dead.

Thane closed the space between them and caught a tear on its painful trek down her cheek.

His touch burned.

Thane smiled. It was a beautiful, free looking sight that made her eyes widen and her throat tighten. Gods, he was beautiful.

"I've only seen you cry once." He tsked at her gently, his hand closing over her clenched fist on the table. "Do not cry over me, Marmet. Death is only a sad thing for those who are left behind. I do not deserve your tears. I will always treasure the time you and I had together."

The sound of his voice left her leaning forward, just a tiny bit, to hear more. Like his touch burned her skin, his voice left her feeling scorched and empty once the words were gone.

Words and time seemed to be so fleeting, now that there was this nagging sort of feeling that told her she had very little of both left.

Shepard welcomed the feeling.

She tried to speak, but it was a weak attempt. Weakness. That seems to be all she's capable of accomplishing lately. It was etched in her bones deeper than whatever contraption Cerberus replaced her insides with.

Shepard cant tell if she's fooling everyone unintentionally or if they simply just don't notice. But her strength died with him and left her behind as an empty shell of what she used to be. She's like a ghost haunting the halls of the Normandy, hearing voices and seeing people that aren't actually there and afraid to be alone.

Hopefully they'll all realize that eventually. Being everyone's savior gets tiring after a while and all the pretenses are starting to weigh heavily on her shoulders.

Shepard exhales loudly, eyebrows knitting together. "I… Thane, you don't get it. I cant just… I just cant-"

But he shakes his head, eyes turning sad. "Marmet, I will not let you do this to yourself. You have so many to fight for. Let yourself live while you can. You are stronger than you think you are."

…strong? She had forgotten what that felt like.

"Yeah, I know that. Don't you think im aware of the tons of people I got counting on me?"

She was angry. He's been dead for 3 days and all he can say is how she needs to keep living on without him?

He began stroking the inside of her wrist, coaxing her fingers to relax from the furious fists they had balled up into. Shepard could almost feel it, too: the scales of his hand, the rougher patches of green on his fingers and the strange webbing in between.

She etched that memory into the back of her head somewhere.

She loved him. Missed him. Needed him.

Thane's eyes became determined. "Do not misinterpret. This is not the end, Marmet. You're my Siha, my love, and my life. Never forget that." As if she ever could.

Then everything began to fade. The bar around her blurred and the green and black of Thane morphed together with her surroundings and Shepard panicked. Waking up meant having him gone again and she can't have that happen. She thrashed around wildly only to feel constrained, movement constricted and everything slowing down, blacking out, then moving all to one point in her vision that slowly started to become wider.

Then whiteness.

"Shepard?"

Something underneath her. A light overhead, in her eyes. It hurt too. Metal ceiling.

She blinked. Blinked again. She tried to breathe in steadily, which resulted in another failed attempt. Just like everything else. Fail, fail, fail.

Doctor Chakwas came into view. Shepard looked away from the womans gaze, feeling confused and ashamed. Confused because she couldn't remember how she got here and ashamed because this wasn't the first time she's woken up in the med-bay disoriented like this.

Fuck, she was pathetic.

Shepard heard the doctor sigh, then, out of the corner of her eye, saw her turn away from her. "You apparently hyperventilated in the middle of the Presidium while on shore leave. Garrus carried you in here after you collapsed."

Shepard covered her face with her hand. "How long have I been out?"

"Oh, I would say for about 6 hours or so now. At least it wasn't as long as the last time."

There was a pause and Shepard closed her eyes. It was past the time for tears, past the time for embarrassment. She wasn't allowed to feel shame.

"Marmet." Chakwas put her hand on Shepard's arm, and she cringed, fighting the urge to shrug it off. "What triggered it this time?" Another pause. "You cannot afford to ignore these issues right now, Commander. Denial is not an option."

"Does it look like I'm in fucking denial to you?" Shepard grumbled, hands rubbing her eyes, willing the tears to freeze up inside and wither away to nothing so she can go back to fighting and breathing and lying.

Chakwas hmmfed. "Yes, actually," she said matter-of-factly. "You have everything ranging from post-traumatic stress to anxiety issues over past unsettled situations that you've refused to get counseling for. And now this: hyperventilating from some unknown memory trigger and fainting in the streets. It was all I could do to get Garrus let go of you so I could do my job. Who knew you have so many people that cares about you, Commander."

Shepard waved her hand in the air uncaringly, as if warding the doctor's thoughts away. "Yeah, yeah."

Chakwas sighed, eyes looking down at her in disapproval. "The crew's been asking about you, you know. I assured them that you just need space and time to think things over. But you wont take the medicine and you wont talk to anyone. I'm your doctor, for Christ sake, but there's only so much I can do when you refuse any and all sorts of help."

Shepard grumbled, sitting up from the med-bay cot and the room spun for a moment, but she shook it off. Chakwas just stood there staring at her, expression unreadable. Shepard couldn't tell if the woman was mad or what but the air around them nearly fizzled from the waves of anger that seemed to hover around her. Maybe it was just all the painkillers in her system.

No way was Shepard taking any pills. She didn't need medicine or help or sympathy or any sort of crap like that. What she needed was _Thane _and no one seemed to get that.

Chakwas snatched her arm as Shepard limped her way toward the door, and she spun around to the doctor, ready to push the woman roughly back. The look on her face made Shepard stop.

"I can't bring him back, Shepard. No one can. Grieving like this is unhealthy for anyone, but especially for someone in your position."

"Someone in my position?"

"Yes. Figurehead of all human-kind, Commander of an Alliance Vessel. Someone with a lot of shit on their plate and not enough time to get it all sorted out. I'm a doctor, Shepard, not a miracle worker. But I am also your friend and, speaking as such, I'm telling you that Thane wouldn't want to see you like this."

Shepard reared two furious steps towards the doctor. She could feel her biotics kick in and it took all her of willpower to not simply fling the doctor across the room with a flick of her wrist.

"You don't know a damn thing about Thane!"

Chakwas eyed the blue flames hovering around Shepards palms and the doctor backpedaled slightly. Shepard didn't care if she was scared. She fucking deserved to be shot out the cargo hold.

The doctor spoke slowly, slower than before, palms planted tightly by her side, eyes zeroed in on Shepard. "I know enough to see that his death is killing you. I know it's not just him, either. It's everything that has been building up lately and this was the last straw. Do the smart thing, Shepard, and take care of yourself. Think about what Thane would want. Think about how he would react if he saw you right now."

Shepard felt like her head was about to explode. Her shoulders shook from the angry breaths, and her little temper tantrum was taking its toll on her body.

But she held onto the anger. Anger's what got her through 2 years of being dead, and then waking up in a different world than before. "Shut up! Just shut up! I don't have to deal with this shit and I don't have to take the stupid pills!"

The doctor's face fell, and her eyes softened. "Nothing good comes from denial. You, out of all people should know that, Marmet. If the war doesn't kill you, this will."

Shepard growled, white teeth gleaming behind the furious blue flairs of her biotics. "Then let it! It's about goddamn time!"

Chakwas' eyes were now two green orbs that glowed from anger, but Shepard wasn't fazed. One person can surpass death only so many times before dealing with repercussions. "You don't mean that, Marmet, and you know it."

But Shepard was already gone. She turned around and stormed out of the med-bay without glancing back at the doctor's face, throwing open the door with a biotic burst and putting as much space behind her as possible.

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And there's chapter 1. Grammar's gonna be the death of me one day -_- i just know it.

Thank you for reading!


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